


The Curiously Supernatural Case of the Lemon Stealing Whores

by thesexbots



Category: Lemon Stealing Whores (YouTube), Supernatural RPF
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Detectives, F/M, M/M, Pornstars, They Fight Crime!, meta au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-09
Updated: 2013-12-09
Packaged: 2018-01-04 03:26:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1075973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesexbots/pseuds/thesexbots
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On the set of Derik Shmipke's porn masterpiece, tragedy strikes. Tragedy in the shape of... a Lemon Stealing Whore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Curiously Supernatural Case of the Lemon Stealing Whores

**Author's Note:**

> So, I hear you like crossovers. And J2. And Crack. Happy Yuletide!

**The Curiously Supernatural Case of the Lemon Stealing Whores**

**Starring**

Fifi McPants as WOMAN WITH LEMONS  
Randy Longbottom as MAN WITH LEMONS  
Destiny as: THE LEMON STEALING WHORE

 **Directed** by: Derik Shmipke

**Guest Starring**

Jared Padalecki as Himself  
Jensen Ackles as Himself

**Special Guest Star**

The Infamous Witch Limoncello

 **Music** by Kansas  
“Carry On My Wayward Whore”

******

"Lemon Stealing Whores - Scene 1, take 3!"

Fifi McPants was just beginning an illustrious career in the world of porn. So far it didn't seem like such a bad choice after all. There was lots of sex with guys with nice penises, complimentary wax jobs, and lots of hot girls to ogle. She was especially fond of any movie that involved two girls and one dude, which was what had brought her to the set of today's porno: _Lemon Stealing Whores_.

The script was pretty ridiculous, even considering that it was a porn. Her coworker, Randy Longbottom, could hardly keep from laughing as they delivered their lines. But she didn't particularly care. As long as she ended up getting some D in and around her V-Jay, she would be happy. And Randy had quite the impressive badonkadick.

Her fellow porn star, cast in the role of the Lemon Stealing Whore, was a rather shifty looking brunette named Destiny. But she was still sexy in a badass sort of way, sporting dragon tattoos on her shoulders, and Fifi McPants was looking forward to punishing her for stealing the porn shoot's valuable lemons. Punishing her... with her V-Jay.

As Fifi traded lines with Randy about the valuable nature of their lemon tree, she could see the director, Derik Shmipke, cue Destiny to begin stealing the lemons. Hopefully this take would work. She was ready to stop making bad puns and start with the sexytimes.

Fifi turned her head towards Randy. "Hey, has it been about ten seconds since we looked at our lemon tree?"

"It has been about ten seconds since we looked at our lemon tree!" They turned in unison to spot Destiny with her hands full of lemons. "Hey, what the fuck?!"

"It's a whore! A bona fide lemon stealing whore!" Fifi cried, and they rushed to where the other actress was frantically stuffing lemons down the pink fishnet bodysuit she wore. "James, get the lemons back!"

“Cut!” Shmipke called out again. “Destiny, you’ve overstuffed again! Can you go take some of these lemons out and do another take?”

Destiny headed for the prop room inside the studio without saying anything, and Fifi bit back a groan of frustration. She was so close to getting the D! Why did this Destiny whore keep screwing up?

When the actress finally returned to the backyard set, bereft of the lemons, they reset and started shooting from the time where the Lemon Stealing Whore starts to steal the lemons. Fifi felt like she'd said the lines a hundred times. "James, get the lemons back!"

"Cut!" Shmipke yelled out. "Destiny, why do you only have two lemons? Go get some more goddamn lemons!"

Fifi watched Destiny's ass wiggle as she hurried off set and disappeared into the prop room again. Frustrated, she turned to Randy. "Can we maybe just start fucking while we wait for this whole lemon thing to work itself out? You know, for practice?"

"We have been waiting a really long time," Randy agreed, glancing down at the boner that tented the front of his shorts. The studio fluffer had been keeping him hard between takes in anticipation of the blow job punishment he was supposed to inflict on the Lemon Stealing Whore.

"No practice sex!" Shmipke yelled out. "Someone get that Lemon Stealing Whore back in here, we're burning celluloid and running out of god damn lemons!"

The studio fluffer obediently ran off into the prop room. He appeared a moment later. "Sir... the Lemon Stealing Whore is gone. And she's taken ALL of the lemons."

"Mother of God." Shmipke stood up from his director's chair slowly, surveying the group. "She really was an actual Lemon Stealing Whore. Without Lemons... life as we know it may end."

And I'm not going to get any D, Fifi thought, her spirits sinking. She ran over to Shmipke and clutched his arm. "Don't say that, sir! There must be something we can do! Call the police! Call the FBI! Call Foxy Mulder!"

"Oh, there is, Francine," Shmipke declared, pulling out his cell phone. Fifi decided not to correct him on her name. "And I know just the men for the job!"

***

Jensen Ackles was getting really tired of his boss’ shit. He supposed the fact that he worked on a highly specialized schedule did, in fact, mean that he would get assigned some of the shittier cases. But porn? Really?

“Dammit, Jay!” he muttered angrily to his partner, as they made their way out of Jensen’s Impala and onto the set, “Actual porn? I thought that one of the reasons we took this part-time job was to get away from all the porn of _Supernatural_!” The last time they'd taken a job from a porn director was when Bandicoot Lumbersnatch had lost his 24 carat diamond dildo.

“Look, what do you want me to do?” Jared Padalecki, his partner (and, let’s face it, lover) replied, shrugging his magnificent shoulders. “You know we need this gig. Robbie Thompson made it really clear there won’t be any bonuses this year. And Gen is pregnant again…. and… Fuck, man, I don’t wanna have to remortgage my house again!”

"Hey man. It's not my fault you two are breeding like rabbits. I thought you were supposed to be a moose?"

“That… actually makes very little sense, even to me. Have you had your coffee yet?”

“Nevermind. Bitch.”

“Jerk,” the taller man replied.

Simultaneously, the two agents flashed their badges.

“I’m Detective Ackles and this is Detective Padalecki, and we understand you have a …. larsony situation here?”

“Randy,” Fifi whispered to her co-star, whose pants were starting to sag again. “Isn’t that… aren’t those… those two pretty boys from that one sci-fi show on the C-Dubs?” Her mind was immediately filled with fantasies about being in the middle of the spit roast between the hunky TV stars. They couldn't be 100% homo, could they?

"I didn't know they did porn," Randy mused, having similar thoughts about spit roasts. His boner started to perk back up.

“Yes, Detectives,” Shmipke was leading the handsome duo off to the side. “We’ve had a very unusual situation and I’ve requested your help specifically due to the… um… nature of our environment.”

“Um…” Jensen looked like he was about to say something, but, luckily or not, Jared spoke up first.

“We don’t actually know anything about porn. And we don’t have sex on the set. Regardless of what Misha said on Larry King.”

“What? Goodness me, no!” Shmipke interjected. “I meant you have experience in… cameras. Er… entertainment. Yeah, that’s it.”

"Please help us!" Fifi piped up. "Our lemon stealing whore turned out to be… A lemon stealing whore!!"

“Your what was a who what now?” Jared squinted and tried to bend his towering frame lower towards the spry pornstar.

Fifi sighed. "We're making a porno about lemon stealing whores. But she really was a lemon stealing whore, and now I can't get any D until we get our lemons back!"

Jensen sighed and glanced to Jared. It wasn't their normal cause of truth and justice, but this porn star was a damsel in distress, and Shmipke had offered them _twice_ their regular rate. "Fine. We'll find your lemon stealing whore for you."

"Where did you last see this lemon stealing whore?" Jared asked seriously, pulling a small spiral notepad out of the inside pocket of his suit jacket.

"She was getting more lemons from the prop room over there," Shmipke told them, waving a hand towards the prop room door.

"And did she seem practically… suspicious?" Jared squinted at the director, trying to decide whether or not he was telling the whole truth.

"Well… She didn't seem to be able to count lemons very well," Shmipke admitted. "But that could've been a clever ploy to steal all of our lemons."

"Was there something special about these… lemons?" Jared took his job very seriously.

“Detectives, as you both know,” Shmipke tried to explain without becoming over-excited, “Lemon tree is very pretty, and the lemon flower is sweet, but the fruit of the pure lemon… Fuck this, am I actually quoting some shitty old song?”

“I do not get paid enough for this,” Jensen shook his head in frustration. “I barely even had three hours of sleep. We were up most of the night last night shooting the Crypt Scene with Misha. I still have his pubes in my teeth, that bastard!”

Jared attempted giving his partner a soothing neck rub, but it didn’t seem to have a particularly soothing effect on Jensen. Jared desisted and went back to the more agreeable task of taking notes.

“These aren’t just any lemons, Detectives,” Shmipke went on, trying his best to ignore Jensen’s side-rant soliloquy. “I had these trees imported straight from Liguria for this shoot. And everyone knows Italian lemons are superior to other lemons, and they have priapic qualities.”

“Priapic?” Jensen squinted.

“They give you massive boners?” Jared inquired.

“Oh yes,” Shmipke went on. “The ancient Genovese used these lemons the way we currently use Viagra. That is why I had to import these precise trees. The ones on Amalfi coast, for example, are only good for making Limoncello. But the Ligurian lemons, well… You taste one slice, and you’re walking sideways for the rest of the day!”

The more Shmipke said about the lemons, the sadder Fifi became. Why did the lemon stealing whore have to steal the lemons? This could have been the most epic porn movie ever! Fifi pressed herself up against Jensen's side, resting one hand on his magnificent chest. "Oh Mr. Detective, please tell me you'll find our missing lemons! I'd do anything to get those lemons back!"

Randy nodded seriously, leaning against Jensen's other side, his expertly fluffed boner pressing against the detective’s hip. "And by anything, we mean _anything._ "

Jensen carefully extracted himself from the eager porn stars, moving so that Jared was in front of him like a shield. "Don't worry, citizens, we'll find your lemons. We don't need any extra… anything. Please, please God, no."

Jared tucked his pen behind his ear, closing the spiral notebook and placing it back into his pocket. "I think we have all the information we need. We just need to take a look around. And forward a copy of all the footage you've filmed so far to my email.” He handed a card over to Shmipke. “We'll call you if we have any other… questions."

Shmipke nodded, then turned to his cast and crew. "That's a wrap for now, everyone. You can all go home, or hang out here and help yourselves to the complementary waxes … But no having sex until we film again. No hanky-panky at all."

Fifi sighed. She hoped the two handsome detectives would find the lemons soon. Her wet, aching V-Jay depended on it!

***

Jensen followed Jared into the prop room, feeling slightly more comfortable now that they left the half naked porn stars behind. This wasn't going to be an easy case. How were they supposed to find a bunch of priapic lemons or whatever in the middle of Vancouver?

The prop room was filled with sex toys of every shape size and color. Some of them looked like they hadn't been cleaned. Jensen shuddered. “Ugh,” he grabbed onto to Jared’s sleeve a bit desperately. “Jay… I’ve told you so many times before. We should strike. They can’t keep paying us this pittance. I mean, I understand the economy is bad and the CW ain’t no HBO, but look at us! We’re HOT. This is beneath us.”

"It could be worse," Jared said seriously, meeting his gaze. "We could be redshirts on Kripke’s new show on NBC. I hear they have terrible lighting. And did you hear what he did to Jim Beaver?"

"You're right." Jensen nodded, resigned. "We'll just have to handle things ourselves. Let's find this Lemon Stealing Whore and get this nightmare over with.”

"This must be where they were keeping the lemons," Jared noted, examining a large wicker basket that had a sign on it labeled 'special lemons'. "Since there's only one other exit from the room, we can assume that the lemon stealing whore made her exit through this door."

Jensen glanced around the room again at the myriad of dildos. He briefly considered searching the room for clues, then decided to follow Jared, who was making his way out the door. It seemed the less traumatizing option. "It sounds like there were a lot of lemons for one whore to move by herself," he noted, scanning the hallway outside the prop room. "Maybe she… Yes, there! A missing lemon!"

Jared took a couple of stairs down the stairwell leading to the basement and picked up a stray lemon, holding it out to Jensen for examination.

“Where do these lead?” Jensen asked and before Jared could respond they both raced down the stairs with singular determination. 

At the bottom of the stairs they found another locked door. Jared and Jensen had been partners (in more ways that one) for many years. They did not need to speak to communicate. All they needed was a little foot to door action before the unfortunate gateway gave up the ghost and dropped off the hinges.

“Police! Freeze!”

But there was no movement inside the dark room, only muffled noises that sounded suspiciously like a gagged person trying to speak.

Jared shone his ever-present flashlight around the room until he found the chair, and the girl tied to the aforementioned chair. She appeared to have been gagged with a lemon.

“Think that’s our whore?” he glanced over at Jensen.

“I don’t know. Let’s find out.” The other detective approached the woman and pulled the lemon out of her mouth. “We’re looking for a lemon stealing whore. Have you seen her?”

The girl appeared confused and turned on at the same time.

“What? That’s… that’s ME!” she exclaimed in a fit of overwhelming excitement.

“You’re the whore who’s been stealing all the lemons from the set?” Jared asked, looking unconvinced. “Then why would you tie yourself up and gag yourself down here?”

Jensen smacked his partner upside the head.

“No, you don’t understand! I’m Destiny!” the girl attempted to explain.

“We know that,” Jensen said, becoming increasingly confused himself. “Shmipke told us your name and that you stole all the lemons from the set, like a whore.”

“No, you idiots!” the girl was becoming more frustrated than turned on. “I’m the _actual_ Destiny! I’m the one who was supposed to be playing the Lemon Stealing Whore in that porno! It was supposed to be my big break! But that other whore tied me up and gagged me and took my costume and… well… apparently stole all those lemons!” 

“How do we know you’re telling the truth?” Jared asked, squinting suspiciously at the tied up female.

“Wait,” the girl paused mid eye-roll. “Aren’t you… Jared Padalecki? I remember you from _Gilmore Girls_.”

“We don’t talk about that!” Jensen snapped, coming to his partner’s defense. “Now are you now or have you ever been the lemon stealing whore we’re looking for!”

Jared raised an eyebrow. "I thought 'Destiny' was what the fans called it when you, Cas, and Benny…."

"You promised you'd never mention that again!" Jensen snapped, resenting his partner for always been up to date on the fan-lore.

“Hey, why don’t you two just untie me, and then I can show you my special skills that are listed on my resume,” the girl, who may or may not have been the Real Destiny, suggested. “Then you can see that I’m definitely a bona fide porn star, and not some cheap-ass lemon stealing whore!”

“No thanks,” Jared shrugged. “I already have a beard.”

“I have two,” Jensen nodded. Then he looked over at Jared’s confused face and added, “What? I meant Misha. He’s my second beard. Don’t be jealous, baby, you know I love you most.”

“Well, isn’t there footage of the actual whore?” Real Destiny suggested. “You can look at it and see that it wasn’t _me_.”

“I was just going to suggest that,” Jensen replied sternly. “That would be the obvious thing to do. Genius.” He nudged Jared. “So, we should do that.”

***

The whore on the video indeed turned out to look different from the chick claiming to be Destiny. After they had finally untied her and had Shmipke corroborate that yes, in fact, it appeared that they actually hired her but somehow failed to notice when some other whore took her place, she was allowed to go free. But not before providing our detectives with one more clue.

"It's the infamous witch, Limoncello!" Jared declared as they watched the footage.

“And a hex bag!” Jensen looked livid, staring at the evidence that Destiny had given him. “What is this shit? A poorly written episode of _Supernatural_? You know how much I hate witches! Er… I mean… Dean hates witches. What. Fuck.”

“It’s how the whore fooled everyone into believing that she was Destiny!” Jared explained, throwing the evidence into a plastic baggie.

“Yes, and she also told me that by the time you idiots realize she’d replaced me,” Destiny added, “She’d be long gone by sea.”

“She’s at the Port Metro!” Jared and Jensen exclaimed in well-honed unison. They dashed away and jumped into the Impala, to speed towards Vancouver’s sea port.

Jensen drove like his life depended on it, though that wasn't really any different than how he normally drove. Jared resisted the urge to grab the _oh shit_ handle in the Impala and scanned the traffic around them. "Where do we start when we get to the port? This lemon stealing whore-witch could be anywhere!"

"We just have to make sure she doesn't get those lemons on the boat," Jensen said, eyes narrowing as he gunned the engine. "Once those lemons at sea they're as good as lost."

Jared nodded, scanning the port ahead of them as they came interview. "Hey… do you remember when Curtis Armstrong refused to act unless we imported those special organic New Zealand kiwis?"

"Oh my God, don't remind me," Jensen groaned. "Boogertron kept us out of work for an entire week while those fucking kiwis were held up in… customs!" The Impala swung wildly as Jensen turned a sharp corner, headed towards the dreaded customs office. 

"Exactly! We can stop that whore-witch before the fruit gets certified for international trade!"

“That’s brilliant, Jay!” Jensen patted his partner’s sturdy thigh. “I’ll show you some certified fruit later, after we catch the whore-witch.”

As they pulled up in front of the customs office, they could see a Toyota Yaris parked in front of the office with a huge basket of lemons in the back seat. A few fallen lemons led to the steps of the office. Badges in hand, and Jared and Jensen rushed up the steps and burst through the door. "Freeze, you lemon stealing whore!"

The witch Limoncello was still wearing her pink fishnet bodysuit, which was already causing quite a stir in the customs office. She dropped the lemons she was holding as her hands shot up towards the ceiling. "All right, I'll give you all the lemons! I swear I didn't mean any harm! I just needed them for my secret fertility rituals!"

Jensen's eyes narrowed as Jared rushed to put the witch in handcuffs. "No harm? You've robbed at least three innocent porn stars of their livelihood today! And you tied one of them up and gagged her with a lemon!"

"I'm innocent, I swear! I just wanted my fair share of magic lemons!" The witch wailed as Jared started pulling her towards the customs office door.

Jensen grabbed the fallen lemons from the floor. "We'll let the justice system be the judge of that."

Jared nodded decisively. "In the meantime, let's get these lemons back to those poor helpless porn stars, so Fifi can finally get some D."

***

"I thought I'd never see these lemons again!" Tears welled up in Shmipke's eyes as Jared and Jensen entered the porn studio, carrying the basket of lemons. "Oh, you wonderful actor-detectives you! How can I ever repay you for your noble deed?"

"Erm, well... The fee we agreed on is more than enough payment," Jensen said carefully, taking a cautious step away from the eager director. He looked a little too… excited.

"Are you sure?" Fifi McPants had somehow managed to suction cup herself to Jensen's side again, stroking one hand down along his tie. "We'd love it if you helped us test drive those lemons."

"Hey! The only thing that Jensen test drives is me - I mean, the Impala!" Jared said sharply, catching Jensen's arm and yanking him away from the overly amorous porn star.

"At least let me give you a little something extra for your trouble," Shmipke insisted. He reached out to take to Jared's hand, pressing a large, golden lemon into it. "I promise you'll enjoy it."

After a long day of chasing witches and fending off porn stars, Jared wasn't about to argue. "Thank you, Derik Shmipke. Good luck making your porn. And watch out for those lemon stealing whores."

“That’s a wrap,” Jensen whispered to Jared, slapping him on the shoulder and steering him towards the Impala. They still had a couple of hours before they had to be on set for their real jobs, and he couldn’t think of a better way to spend it than by seeing what the big deal was with these Ligurian lemons.

**FADE TO BLACK**


End file.
